My shiny new life is crackling and seeping blood around the edges but is unmistakably, completely & unabashedly MINE, for what the fuck ever happens next I know I can get through it fine.
Building my found family is underway, and the kindness I came across still reliably outweighs the crooked energies that pester me.
I’ve been becoming more and more discerning with what I want to devote energy to, and whose presence I tolerate at all. This is not to say I plan on becoming abrasive or shut off, but mindful of what values drive me and nurture my growth.
About a week ago, I did a small ritual to seal away my chaos seeking ways that love revenge and thrashing my soul in front of the thing I loathe + damaging only myself in the process, for the evil one who does evil things to begin with, will never reach the self aware accountability I beat myself over the head with every five seconds.
Now that I’ve given blood to it, I am afraid what might happen if I break this seal. As good a solution as any: fear of letting the universe down & attracting the opposite of what I try to conjure…
He tried to tell me that I don’t know myself, but I deny none of who I am, no matter how rough to touch the feature feels.
It was projection, and it had nothing to do with me; I’ll always say openly: this is the rot inside me, as this is my guiding light and the soft feathers that carry me from one mess to the next.
We hiss at shame, we let it skulk around our feet but not quite land a bite; it tries nonetheless and shrinks with every sweet word, touch and proof of reciprocity being abundant when the right source appears. When shame nibbles on the crops, reciprocity feeds and kisses them and lets them reach harvest and feed everyone around.
With many more mistakes still on the way, I trust that the indomitable human spirit conquers trouble as long as it is fed light;
I will caress, rock it in my arms, mouth feed it liquid light, and then we’ll curl up and sleep together.
I was 31 years old when I realised I was allowed to enjoy life 